HOW TO WRITE A THOUGHTFUL CONDOLENCE LETTER

Do you have a friend or family member who has experienced the loss of a loved one and is grieving, and need some guidelines for how to write a thoughtful condolence message?

The purpose of condolence messages are to:

• offer a tribute or a remembrance of the deceased
• be a source of comfort to someone who is grieving

It’s also a tangible reminder to those who are grieving that they are not alone; that they are surrounded by friends and family who care about them very much. Your condolence message may actually provide a longstanding source of comfort as it may be read over and over again – days, weeks, even years later. An e-card, text message or email is not an acceptable alternative to a proper, handwritten condolence letter that communicates caring thoughts of love and support, and one that contributes to healing.

"Sometimes just knowing someone is thinking about you makes all the difference."

Here are 10 tips for how to write a thoughtful condolence message:

• Handwrite your letter, and write it in your “own voice,” in the same way you would normally speak to that person. Tuck it into a store-bought sympathy card, if you are sending one along.
• Acknowledge the loss and refer to the deceased by name.
• Express your sympathy.
• Mention any special qualities or notable achievements of the deceased that come to mind.
• Include a favorite memory from your experiences together, and how the deceased touched your life in a personal way. Be sensitive, but it is not necessary to avoid remarking on a humorous memory that could lighten the moment and be gratefully received. Shared laughter is a great healer.
• Especially in cases where death was a long-suffering ordeal, you may be tempted to write that it was a “blessing” or a “relief.” Don’t. Rather, say what is necessary to acknowledge the loss, not minimize it. Also, refrain from saying “I know how you feel.” No one knows how the bereaved feels, except the bereaved.
• Offer help but make sure your offers are specific. Rather than saying, “Let me know if there is anything I can do,” say…”Can I help you with the kids on Saturday?” “Can you and your family join us for supper on Tuesday?” “Can we meet for coffee and a hug on Thursday?”
• End your letter with a supportive word, a hope, or a wish for the person who is grieving, or perhaps close with an inspirational quote or sympathy quote.
• Tuck in a favorite photograph if you have one.
• Memories and feelings of loneliness can be overwhelming, especially around special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, holiday dates), family “firsts” (“the first Christmas without Amanda”) or other meaningful milestones. It would be very kind to anticipate and acknowledge these feelings on those dates with a phone call, by sending a “Thinking of You” card…asking others to join you for a meal, making a donation to the deceased’s favorite charity, planting flowers at the gravesite, or through other supportive gestures that would be perceived as thoughtful and meaningful.